Gary Hogg
Home About Monologues Shop Graphic Design Geordie Dialect Coaching The Geordie Hour

©Gary Hogg 2014   info@garyhogg.co.uk

Jack And The Beansprouts
By Gary Hogg

Masie Orrick had just buried their Horace
And she said to her son “Listen Jack,
He’s left us no brass, so we’ll have to eat grass,
And that telly’ll have to go back”

They were smallholders with a very small holdin’
They’d no need for a tractor or plough
In fact all they’d got, was a ten-by-ten plot
Six rows of spuds and a cow

She says “Them taters’ll have to see us through winter,
And poor Daisy might fetch a few quid,
You’ll have to take her to market on Thursday”
So the very next Thursday, he did

He’d not been gone long when he met Mister Wong
The Chinese lad – from the chippy up the street
He says “By ‘eck, luvly cow. You give him me now,
I give you plenty beef curry to eat”

“He’s a her” says our Jack, givin’ daisy a smack
Cos she was chewin’ at Mister Wong’s welly
He says “Give us food every day from now till next May,
And a fiver to pay off the telly”

“You drive a hard bargain” the Chinaman said
And from ‘is wallet he peeled off a bluey
He said “You bring the cow and I give you now,
First free meal - king prawn chop-suey”

“Champion” says Jack.  He couldn’t wait to get back
And tell ‘is ma ‘bout the deal he’d just made
She wasn’t chuffed, as it ‘appens, and gave him a slappin’
Then chased him down the street with a spade

The chop suey got chucked out the window
She’d to start peelin’ taties instead
And Jack, he got nowt, cos she locked the lad out
He’d to spend the whole night in the shed

Now the chop suey it landed on the compost heap
and it started to sprout overnight
Next morn there’s a beansprout a hundred foot high
So big that it blocked out the light

Jack couldn’t believe it – he squinted ‘is eyes
Then he thought he’d best climb up it quick
Cos he heard ‘is mam shout and then she came out
And she was weildin’ a dirty great stick

He soon disappeared from out ‘is mam’s reach
And climbed till he was up in the clouds
He saw a little bloke there, who was stood on a chair
And was screamin’ and shoutin’ dead loud

“I’m the giant! I’ll kill yer!” - Jacks says “Yer a what?”
He says “I’m a giant” Jack says “Yer too small”
The giant says “For a start, I’m quite big round these parts,
So just watch it or I’ll eat you an’ all”

Jack says “You’re not a giant” He says “I am too,
I’m a great ogre and they call me Big Kevin”
Jack says “Well how come, you didn’t fee-fi-fo-fum,
And you’re only about four foot eleven?”

Kev says “You needn’t talk you cheeky young gawk,
Yer hardly Charles Atlas yersel,
You need a good clout! Yer what? Four stone nowt?”
Jack says “I know, but I haven’t been well”

“Since dad popped ‘is clogs we’ve had a right flippin’ job,
No food an’ no money or owt,
You should try eatin’ grass” He says “No thanks, I’ll pass,
You think you’ve had it bad? Well that’s nowt”

“You should try eatin’ beansprout like I have to do,
And a brew that’s made out of sprout juice,
You see me brother’s away doin’ the pantos,
And he left me to look after the goose”

“You’ve a goose?” says young Jack, quite taken aback
“You’ll have plenty of eggs you can eat”
“Huh, not this stupid goose. It lays eggs that’s no use”
Says Kevin “You’ll just break yer teeth”

“Wow, these eggs are gold” says Jack “Get em sold,
Yer rich. Why not go to the shops?”
“There’s no shops up here, no pubs no beer,
Gawd I’d kill for a nice big pork chop”

Says Jack “Right, here’s a plan. You come meet me Mam,
Sell some eggs and we’ll all take a share,
And we’ll all live like lords, you’ll have free bed and board,
Bring the goose and we’ll keep it down there”

So Kevin and Jack and the goose all went back
Down the beansprout where Masie meanwhile
Had watched ‘em descend an’ said “Ooh, who’s yer friend?”
And she straightened her curlers and smiled

It was love at first sight in spite of ‘is height
And ‘is tights and ‘is curly toed shoes
And she found him a lot more attractive
When Jack told her all of ‘is news

They lived happy ever after did Masie and Kev
Once they’d chopped down the beansprout n’that
In case ‘is brother should decide to climb down it
To find out where Kevin was at

They swapped back Daisy for three tons of beansprout
Which Mister Wong won’t get through in a hurry
Thereby savin’ the poor cow from a fate that somehow
Befalls beef that is destined for curry

©Gary Hogg 2003